It has been almost six months since my last post. I promised to write when God is teaching me something, so that I may share it with all of you. At this point, I am unaware of new growth or fruit that's being flourished. I might just update you on what's going on and then as it goes maybe I can share more.
We have been at our new duty station a year and a half now. At this duty station, I have had to mourn and weep. I mourned the loss of family (our seven unofficially adopted children) and the church we had in California. I have mourned the loss of what my marriage could have been; due to an intrusion of secrets. I have mourned being in my children's lives who continue to thrive in California. We are in touch! It's just less frequent. We attended a PCA Church here and became members. The day we became members I was weeping inside, I was able to wear a good mask. I was doing great, the move was perfect, we had a "church family" I felt could be apart of our new chapter. However, I was broken. I felt lost, I felt as if my life had just been thrown into the desert. Where was God in all this? Why would we be staying at a Church that caused my children to cry every Sunday morning? Why would we stay where I felt like I didn't belong. I had many heart to heart talks with my husband, whom I felt didn't want to move forward. I begged and pleaded to look elsewhere. To try another church out.
In August we went on a family camping trip. It was a much needed time away from life here in Oregon. A place to unwind, our children can play with the cousins, I can have some much-needed Sister time with my dear Sister in Law (Sister!!). I knew going into this camping trip would forever change my husband and our marriage. We had to have a heart to heart with him/ intervention of sorts to explain to him that his childhood was not what he perceived it to be. Without going into detail to protect those involved. It was made clear that my husband was traumatized/ abused as a young child by a member of the family whom he held to the highest state. This talk was to open doors that would allow Jesus into our lives. To build beauty from the ashes. This talk would take a beautiful family and tear it apart. We have since had to mourn the loss of that family member, to cut them out of our lives, struggle to forgive, allow Jesus to move us forward. As we returned to this Church, we felt like there was no one there who would walk beside us in this mess. We had been there a year and became members, and still, no one was willing to open up and allow us to be raw with them. Everyone was going on in their happy lives, only wanting to not disturb their happiness. Maybe I didn't give them a chance, I felt called to leave. I was hurting too. Talking about this with family re-opened my wounds of abuse. We left the Church and found a new one, worried that the denomination was not what we had been attending for the last 17 years, we sought advice from friends and family. This process was also apart of the mourning of the family member we had to mourn. He had brought us to the PCA, why do we need to stay. God's people are the Church, we needed to find the ones who would walk with us.
We have since been attending this new church, the first day I tried it on for size was their birthday. I was overwhelmed by the members coming forward and sharing their grace stories. So many members shared with the congregation about how this church has walked side by side with them, spoke the truth, loved unconditionally and not judged. This church reminded me of Kings Church in California. My children enjoyed going, the homegroup has allowed us to build relationships that can speak love and truth into our lives.
In all this I now realize that the fruit I have been seeking will come, right now I just need to be held by my loving Father in heaven. I need to allow him to move the mountains, to love on my family and me, to enable and gracefully accept that no one is perfect. We all have dark secrets and stories that make us who we are.
There are people in our everyday lives who have been abused/ or traumatize. There are even people we know and interact with on a daily basis that are the abusers. It's not just the people you hear about on the news, its a loved one, its people in the church, it's neighbors, its children who have been abused, evil is everywhere. This pain can cause one to shut down, can cause one to live in a world that's build up in your head (dreams), can cause one to believe they wanted it, they deserved it, they are the guilty. Those are the lies of Satan. No one deserves to be abused by any sorts. Take those lies to the Cross and ask Jesus to give you peace. Find someone who will walk with you. Find someone who will pray with you and love you. Find someone who leads you to the Feet of Jesus! In this, you will experience the intimacy and power of our Lord! In the midst your suffering you will find Jesus, or at the end of it you will notice how he was there the whole time.
My marriage is finally going to be what God intended it to be. It will take time, it will endure pain, it will take unconditional love, it will take honest and open communication. That's okay with me, we have the rest of our lives together to grow and allow God's work. Our family will rebuild and be stronger! The cycle of Abuse ends this year. This is a subject that needs not to be taboo. This subject needs advocates and shoulders.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ
We have been at our new duty station a year and a half now. At this duty station, I have had to mourn and weep. I mourned the loss of family (our seven unofficially adopted children) and the church we had in California. I have mourned the loss of what my marriage could have been; due to an intrusion of secrets. I have mourned being in my children's lives who continue to thrive in California. We are in touch! It's just less frequent. We attended a PCA Church here and became members. The day we became members I was weeping inside, I was able to wear a good mask. I was doing great, the move was perfect, we had a "church family" I felt could be apart of our new chapter. However, I was broken. I felt lost, I felt as if my life had just been thrown into the desert. Where was God in all this? Why would we be staying at a Church that caused my children to cry every Sunday morning? Why would we stay where I felt like I didn't belong. I had many heart to heart talks with my husband, whom I felt didn't want to move forward. I begged and pleaded to look elsewhere. To try another church out.
In August we went on a family camping trip. It was a much needed time away from life here in Oregon. A place to unwind, our children can play with the cousins, I can have some much-needed Sister time with my dear Sister in Law (Sister!!). I knew going into this camping trip would forever change my husband and our marriage. We had to have a heart to heart with him/ intervention of sorts to explain to him that his childhood was not what he perceived it to be. Without going into detail to protect those involved. It was made clear that my husband was traumatized/ abused as a young child by a member of the family whom he held to the highest state. This talk was to open doors that would allow Jesus into our lives. To build beauty from the ashes. This talk would take a beautiful family and tear it apart. We have since had to mourn the loss of that family member, to cut them out of our lives, struggle to forgive, allow Jesus to move us forward. As we returned to this Church, we felt like there was no one there who would walk beside us in this mess. We had been there a year and became members, and still, no one was willing to open up and allow us to be raw with them. Everyone was going on in their happy lives, only wanting to not disturb their happiness. Maybe I didn't give them a chance, I felt called to leave. I was hurting too. Talking about this with family re-opened my wounds of abuse. We left the Church and found a new one, worried that the denomination was not what we had been attending for the last 17 years, we sought advice from friends and family. This process was also apart of the mourning of the family member we had to mourn. He had brought us to the PCA, why do we need to stay. God's people are the Church, we needed to find the ones who would walk with us.
We have since been attending this new church, the first day I tried it on for size was their birthday. I was overwhelmed by the members coming forward and sharing their grace stories. So many members shared with the congregation about how this church has walked side by side with them, spoke the truth, loved unconditionally and not judged. This church reminded me of Kings Church in California. My children enjoyed going, the homegroup has allowed us to build relationships that can speak love and truth into our lives.
In all this I now realize that the fruit I have been seeking will come, right now I just need to be held by my loving Father in heaven. I need to allow him to move the mountains, to love on my family and me, to enable and gracefully accept that no one is perfect. We all have dark secrets and stories that make us who we are.
There are people in our everyday lives who have been abused/ or traumatize. There are even people we know and interact with on a daily basis that are the abusers. It's not just the people you hear about on the news, its a loved one, its people in the church, it's neighbors, its children who have been abused, evil is everywhere. This pain can cause one to shut down, can cause one to live in a world that's build up in your head (dreams), can cause one to believe they wanted it, they deserved it, they are the guilty. Those are the lies of Satan. No one deserves to be abused by any sorts. Take those lies to the Cross and ask Jesus to give you peace. Find someone who will walk with you. Find someone who will pray with you and love you. Find someone who leads you to the Feet of Jesus! In this, you will experience the intimacy and power of our Lord! In the midst your suffering you will find Jesus, or at the end of it you will notice how he was there the whole time.
My marriage is finally going to be what God intended it to be. It will take time, it will endure pain, it will take unconditional love, it will take honest and open communication. That's okay with me, we have the rest of our lives together to grow and allow God's work. Our family will rebuild and be stronger! The cycle of Abuse ends this year. This is a subject that needs not to be taboo. This subject needs advocates and shoulders.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ
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